Hey folks, I've been having a tough time lately, especially today. I'll try to summarize and without maybe saying too much if I can. Any ideas are appreciated. I've always been a timid rider with some fear but not in a paralyzing manner. I have a good friend of about 18 years whose husband does not like me (or any other of her friends or family). For me, it is because we share our horse adventures and our church which are things he doesn't have control over. Last year a very drastic thing happened that my husband and I ended up smack in the middle of with them (his plan I'm sure) and it ended up involving the death of a horse. I've tried to support her this past year as best I could. In Jan. she had a bad riding accident when we were out and about (many broken body parts-I've written about that before) and I had to be the rescue person. My confidence was very much shaken being involved in this. I had to deal more with the husband and am at the point where I just can't do it anymore. I believe he is very unstable and could cause harm in many ways and to boot he is a lawyer. So I am going to distance myself from my dear friend and have told her why. What I'm wondering about is, it seems my fear level increases and is somehow related to this relationship with my friend and losing my gal riding buddy. Does anybody have any experience with grief and how it relates to fear? I read that you can't handle both at once. I just know I feel really lousy, which is probably over the loss of the friendship but also have this apprehension with the horse. (sometimes it's ok, sometimes it's not) thanks for any thoughts.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with so much garbage. You are right that you need to remove yourself from that situation, even though it hurts to do so. Situations like that are toxic. I had to step away from a friendship where the significant other was a controlling jerk (on his best days, anyway). I felt terrible at the time, but I also realized that it was her choice to stay with him, and for my own health, well-being, and safety, I just couldn't go down with the sinking ship.
Yes, I certainly believe that when we are experiencing depression or grief in other parts of our life, it affects the way we interact with ALL parts of our life, including horses and riding. My experience has been that when I feel emotionally lousy in general, it affects my relationship with my horses and my riding ability. I think it's perfectly understandable for you to feel the way you feel. No, it doesn't have to make any sense. I know you must be feeling depressed and helpless right now because you can't help your friend and you've had to step away from a friendship that meant a great deal to you. Plus, as you say, you've lost a riding pal. You can't help but feel a little apprehensive about having to "go it alone" now where before you had someone to ride with you. I'd say what you are experiencing, while it's the pits, is perfectly normal. But I'm not a psychologist. : )
Hey Meezer that's pretty good for a "non-psychologist". I agree with all that. When we lose a friend either through death or even from a decision it's bound to upset us and that affects how we deal with everything. All our emotions are related. Fear in itself is another kind of loss. Loss of confidence, it challenges our very core beliefs about ourselves. It is also connected to losing control. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that guy. Maybe in time you will get your friend back. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. ---------- Bitless - not witless!
Hi cckiger, this is not an easy one, no matter which way you look at it. I recieved this in an e-mail from a friend. You might want to read this...
"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person..
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."
I have had a few friends that fit in to all categories listed above. Does it hurt when a long time relationship ends... Yes. But it makes us stronger individuals and the friends that are still there support us through our difficult times.
It seems to me with all that you have been through it is perfectly reasonable for you to feel lousy - you suffered a traumatic event so you probably are suffering some Post traumatic stress ( there was just a long post about how to deal with that) and on top of it you are letting go of a friendship which is like a death. You need to be patient with yourself - you are probably projecting all of your fears onto your horseback riding and that is making it so much more difficult for you. The reading on friendship for reason, season , or lifetime is so true - sometimes friendships end for the right reason but it doesn't make it any easier. This will pass but I think you need to deal with each thing individually , it all seems insurmountable right now but break it down. and remember to be patient and kind to yourself , it is ok to grieve over losses wether it be friendship or confidence and then make a plan to start building back up again , one step at a time. Maybe you need to change your barn situation - are you in an area where you can move your horse to a place with a good trainer and nice people to help you through this hump, sometimes something new can be re affirming. If you continually go back to those same old triggers of fear it can be harder to get over.
Thank you everybody for the wonderful posts. Like it's been said so many times before, you all are terrific. Meezer, something you said about the situation being toxic really hit me. I think when there is an exchange between 2 people typically the stronger person has an affect on the weaker. After the accident my inner strength was way down and I think the dysfunctional stuff with them started to really bring me to a bad space. It's possible she will leave him-she wants to-but I'll believe it when I see it. I need to deal with what I know today and that is that it is not healthy for me to be around this stuff now. Ladyinblack-wow that was an incredible writing. Thanks so much. Rujettinit, I have my horses at home. My trainer/instructor I only see every few months (1 1/2hr away) but we are in touch by e-mail pretty often. Her "day" job is a psychiatric nurse and she has worked with my friend for years too so she has helped and I'm sure will help with this latest development when we connect. Last fall I met 2 gals that I really liked a lot. At one time I wrote a little self-published book about riding trails in Yosemite. They have since written something similar for our area, with a little of Yosemite in it. We connected and rode a couple times last fall. I'm REALLY picky about who I trail ride with and these gals were great. Out of the blue I got an e-mail from one of them yesterday. I'm not up to riding with them yet but we will have lunch next week. I thought that was a neat thing to have happen. I have another regular riding pal that's a man and we will ride too. It's different though than having a close woman friend. We used to go to clinics and stuff as well as ride. This weekend I'm going to Cal-Expo. Last year she went too. Instead of feeling sad I'm going to think of it as a day to indulge in whatever I want to watch and do there. Thanks for all the hugs. I got them.
I have an update on this older post about my friend. She left her abusive husband last weekend. Hmmm....A couple days later he found out he has melanoma. I guess we'll see how this plays out. I hope she doesn't get sucked back in. She is temporarily out of the area, which is good. I'm feeling much better since I did the EMDR treatment (the deal with lights and sounds) so am hoping to not get emotionally involved in their junk again.
I hope things fair well for all. I myself have been in abusive relationships and have had dear friends involved in them too. It is common for the dominant party to isolate the other. And it is common for the passive party to do the yo-yo thing. So I told my one friend that no matter what I owuld support her and that when she was with her "husband" I would be "friendly" to him but that I was only doing so in order to keep the lines of our commuication open. Understandably, we would have less contact when she was with him--- it's how I could tell wheneer they were back together. Whenever, they were apart I was there for her solid 100%. Eventually she left him. It took many years, but she did it.
As I tell those I love who are sruggling, "I will help you better your life but I cannot standby and watch you destroy your life."
Do you know of Janet Titus? She does The Mustang Challenges and lives outside of Yosemite. Look her up. Super nice lady--- a survivor!
I was in a very abusive relationship 20 years ago.IT only took a year and a half and I was out of it. THe isolation, the extra attention, all seem like love until you are sucked in. Eventually he showed his coniving self for what he truly was, and my bank acct showed up a whole lot lighter. FOr whatever reason, they make you feel strong and important briefly, until the ax is lowered. No amt of struggle or illness would have ever brought me back to that weasel. WHen you've had enough, its enough already! EVeryone has their limit, and the self respect that you gain from distancing yourself from a control-head is worth your weight in gold. Though the retro-thought can be painful or one of those ' what was I thinking' moments, in the end its the freedom that matters. I hope that your friend is free of him at last.
